I just realized it has been almost a YEAR since I last wrote a blog on here (I've mostly written on IG in the past year).
I re-read my "HI" post, and reflected on what has transpired in the last year...
SO MUCH. Probably too much to write here, some of which I haven't even articulated as of yet.
I'd like to reflect with you over the last year, and would LOVE it if you would share your pandemic story with me! It's likely we can learn from one another, and also feel connected and inspired by one another as well.
So, here it goes! At the beginning of 2020, I still felt deep within the healing process. While MdDS (see previous post) symptoms were decreasing quite a bit, it was still an adjustment learning the triggers for it and how to be with the after effects. I was also still in therapy for the OCD and depression symptoms it kicked up. I was searching for answers, for a way to understand what had happened and why.
I was also trying to really get to know this personality (myself) and what it was meant to express on the planet while here in this human form. I found Human Design and other self discovery systems helpful, and a fun exploration that allowed for distraction from the constant discomfort of the symptoms I was experiencing physically, mentally, and emotionally.
And as I often do, when I find something that benefits me, I began to share it! Turns out, many people were interested in what HD had to offer! I went through a reader training and began offering written and spoken readings to many from all over! (thank you for your curiosity and support fellow travelers!)
But as we got deeper into the autumn and fall of 2020, and I witnessed the way the pandemic was hitting, especially here in the states, it felt less and less relevant to be sharing these tools. It was another wake up call of sorts for me, to recognize how insulated I've been in white privilege. I truly believe that we don't rise until we ALL rise, and I wasn't seeing my work contributing to that. In fact, it felt like it was creating an even greater divide.
So at the risk of seeming flaky, I stopped sharing HD. I started focusing on educating myself on anti-racism and health equity. I got really angry and judgmental and sad... and as I sat with the uncomfortable mixture, the core truth of why I share anything revealed itself: to be of assistance in the relief of suffering.
That has always been the guidepoint for my actions, and career. So I took a look at what I could do about it. What skills and experience could be used to benefit the underprivileged? I looked into furthering education, nonprofits, and started applying to jobs... and more jobs... and even more jobs...
So far in 2021, I have applied to over 30 jobs and guess what?.... I've gotten 30+ "NO"s. I'm not going to lie, it hurt. I cried. I questioned whether I could be of assistance at all. My ego inner critic got real loud. It was a great teaching in where I was holding my worth and WHO I was allowing to determine its definition.
Through all the political upheaval, I'd gotten caught up in the idea of IMPACT. That intention and action didn't mean much if it wasn't moving change forward in a big way... And then recently, I attended a funeral of my uncle after his yearlong struggle with cancer. Have you heard of him? Probably not. But I'll tell you what, the people in that room were IMPACTED by him, by his love, humor, inclusiveness, hard work, faith. He literally had representatives there from his childhood to present, that traveled across the country to share how he'd changed their lives for the better.
And THAT changed my mind! Great works, or good person? It seems our country and history tends to glorify the former and forget the latter. And to be honest, I think both matter. But I am so ok with playing the "good person" role in this lifetime, and if I get to participate in great works, awesome!
I don't have a nice bow to tie on this story; it continues! I am down to plan C, applying for jobs that may not appear to have anything to do with my degrees, but I promise you they will get used daily! I am willing to see things differently. I am willing to not take these rejections personally, to see opportunities to learn and grow, and to be GUIDED in a new direction.
I am grateful to have had a place to land when our CA lease ended, and we packed up our stuff into storage. I am grateful to have savings that made this year possible. I am grateful to have access to water, heat, shelter, and nutritious food. I am grateful to have had mostly healthy family and friends who weren't high risk. All of these things are part of what we call SOCIAL DETERMINANTS of HEALTH. Meaning where you live, what foods you have access to, what education you have access to, what work you have access to, it ALL matters when it comes to health outcomes. And no, hard work does NOT hand over the golden key to access. Hard work helps, but privilege takes precedence. Let's change that!
Ok. Thank you for listening. I can't wait to hear your story.